control

this is my own little therapy. i hope anyone can relate, but i'm sure they can. and it may be a little weak because i havent written in a while.  this is dedicated to my ladies in cordoba, argentina :)

over the course of the past year, i had my share of ups and downs.. but, mostly downs.  it was a constant struggle, frustration, and fight to accept things i did not want to accept about myself, but also about others that are very close to me.  everything and everyone i believed in that (i thought) had always stood beside me, were upside down.  my world was distorted and detached, like a scene out of alice in wonderland.  the room flipped and everyone was on the ceiling above me, hundreds of feet away, and i was alone.  at any moment, those people and things on the ceiling, could have fallen and crushed me.  i guess you can call this "growing up".  did i like it? absolutely not..especially someone like me who has diagnosed herself with "peter-pan syndrome".

most of this felt out of my control. the room was not only upside down, but spinning uncontrollably.  but i learned a valuable lesson: nothing is within our control.  we do not control anyone or anything.  anyone or anything can be taken away from us at any moment.  the situations we are surrounded by daily are out of our control.  the weather, our family, our friends, our possessions, our professors, and our feelings (to a point) are uncontrollable.  the only thing we can control is ourselves.  control of the self is the most important skill someone can learn.  you cannot control a situation, but you can control your reactions to it.  if you can respond to a situation in a positive way, you have control of yourself; therefore, no one has control of you.

with this, comes control of the mind.  to control how you react, you need to have control of your mind.  you need to direct your thoughts in a positive direction, otherwise, (and i can testify) your thoughts can, and they will, eat you alive.  you need to be independent.  with control and acceptance, you can be happy.  control, acceptance, and happiness can only come from 1 place .. yourself.  if you lose it, your room will spin out of control.  i hope for every person out there that has read this, that your room, never spins out of control so much that you crash.

listening to 'explosions in the sky'

RIP fountain day?

i do recognize that i sound a little dramatic, but this is the only thing that's occupying me right now. it's not the end of the world.

earlier today, i was writing a blog about the top 10 reasons why i love SUNY albany in hopes of boosting our morale after the school-wide disappointment of the events of kegs and eggs weekend.  well, ironically, while i was writing this blog, i got an email and extensive facebook status updates about the cancellation of fountain day.  there have been rumors since last weekend that fountain day was questionable, but we were all ensured that the president would not cancel a school tradition for the actions of 40/+16,000 students.  right?   wrong.  fountain day 2011 has been cancelled.

1. after years of catholic schooling and consistently having traditional, fun events threatened by misbehavior, i can tell you, threats do not work.  we will still act the way we are used to acting (in this scenario, getting drunk).

2. like i said, it is a tradition. fountain day unites the school.  the fountain is the center of our university, literally and figuratively.  it's even on our SUNY ID cards.  it is very important for a school to provide us with events that we can look forward to and hold pride in.  something that identifies us.  after the school-wide disappointment and shame after kegs and eggs 2011, we desperately need a fun event to unite us again.  to pick our heads up and say "this is my school, i love it here. look at this great event"

3. because this event is taken away, i am not only disgusted with the .2% of students here, but now also with the administration for doubting us.  it's insulting.  i understand kegs and eggs was representative of the school, but the shame enough is to punish us. anyone with a sense of pride should of been embarrassed by the president's email sent last week ridiculing our behavior. individuals should be penalized. penalizing an entire university will have it's repercussions for the university and for us.  what happens when you piss off 18,000 students between 18 and 22 years old?

4. a school's best publicity is from its students, not by fox news, not by princeton review, or youtube.  in order to be best publicized, the student body must remain happy.  the "suspension" of fountain day has angered and annoyed the student body, whereas before this, any student was willing to stand up for the school after kegs and eggs.  now that the students are angry, it is very hard to find reason to stand up for the school.

5. "suspending" fountain day is a symbol.  our pride has been suspended.  (personally, i think the major program cuts is just as much as bad as this, but obviously we care more about having fun than OUR education).  but, how long will our pride be suspended? what will it take to restore it?  a downtown clean-up? degrading emails? facebook events?  fountain day?  tosh.0?!

i beg the president to reconsider his decision. i think this decision has far more repercussions that any of us may be expecting.

(saint) valentine's day

as a special request, here is my valentines day blog.  i'm trying to give the holiday the most positive outlook i can and i don't want to do latin homework as usual....

february 14, "valentine's day" - a day all single ladies (and boyfriends) dread.  so much pressure is put on this day to love, show affection, go on the perfect date, give chocolate, flowers, teddy bears, blah blah blah.  if you're single, you are left with candy and chocolates from your mom.  if you are in a relationship, you have to set aside all of your plans to do anything to spend time with your lover.  but whyyyy? what is this valentines day? it wasn't just made my hallmark, it actually has (some) history.

i researched valentines day on wikipedia (frankly, because i don't think this day is important enough for extensive research).  it was originally called "st. valentine's day".  any catholic knows that practically every day of the year has a saint dedicated to it.  

there are three known christian martyrs named valentine and all, coincidentally, were martyred on february 14.  sometimes i question the history of the catholic church... ANYWAY.  there are a bunch of legends about the st. valentines and their association with valentine's day.  one of the legends, in short, goes like this:

st valentine was living under the roman empire around the 3rd centuary AD when emperor claudius II was ruler.  the emperor decided that all single, young men made better soldiers than those with families and children because they were emotionally attached and therefore "weaker men".  Emperor Claudius banned marriage so they were forced into service.  Valentine, a priest, disagreed with Emperor Claudius and defied him by performing secret marriages for young lovers.  Claudius II eventually finds out and sentences Valentine to death.  St. Valentine now has a day dedicated to him, February 14 (the anniversary of his death/burial).  poor st. valentine, he had no idea what he was getting himself into.  

this story seems to have little to do with chocolate and flowers and teddy bears, but more to do with standing up for autonomy and young love.  

so, this is my st. valentine attempt at standing up for young love and the idea of valentine's day (sorry all my single ladies).

i've spent many years being angry and bitter at valentine's day, but i realized, i get more satisfaction completely ignoring the day and idea all together.  no one likes being ignored, especially not the hallmark company.  plus, i woke up with an epiphany (mainly when i saw the heart shaped doughnuts from my mom, chocolate candy galore from my family, and the pink lights in my common room) - why do i need a "lover" to really appreciate valentines day?  why can't i just love the people around me, and especially, why can't i love myself?  there is no need for the self-loathing and bitterness all day.  i've been listening to 'teenage dream' and having my own little chocolate thanksgiving all day with my friends whom i love. what's wrong with that? if i had a lover/boyfriend/partner, i'd just be having thanksgiving with 1 other person and that's not fun.  thanksgiving is for celebrating with everyone.  so on valentine's day, we should be loving ourselves and celebrating our chocolate thanksgiving with our closest friends.  plus, red's a nice color, i like wearing red and today gives me an excuse to do so.

if this doesn't make you feel better, i can guarantee, every single person has a legitimate valentine before they die.  it seems inevitable. don't get upset, one day, all my single ladies, we will have valentines, and it'll be as perfect as you want it to be.

if you still hate it, ignore it. don't celebrate it.  but, it's hard to ignore when there are decorations everywhere? so.. there are always christmas decorations everywhere and those who don't celebrate it/hate it deal with it.  it's just another holiday.

if none of that makes you feel better.. think of it this way: today is the day for couples, but every friday and saturday is our day.. the day, night, and morning for singles ;-)

happy chocolate thanksgiving/valentines/red/whatever day.  

as for now.. all my single ladies, all my single ladies, put your hands up

a lot less conversation, a lot more facebook

my blogs were getting lame. i had to write something cool. tibs to dina for our long and deep conversations about facebook.

it's obvious that the future of our world has been revolutionized by the creation of the internet, but after watching the social network, i cannot help but believe that our generation is on to something much bigger and something much more unimaginable.

for anyone who does not know, the social network is a movie about the creation of facebook. if you do not know what facebook is, i suggest you do a few laps around your neighborhood.

the movie starts with the creator/co-creator, mark zuckerberg, dealing with an ex-girlfriend and posts an angry blog.  in a fit of drunken rage, he creates a site to "rate" harvard girls.  events rapidly unfold, leading us to what we have now, the generation changer, facebook.

mark zuckerberg's initial intention of facebook was to bring the entire social experience of college to the internet.  ya kno, like the typical, first thoughts that run through your mind when you spot someone of interest in one of your classes: is that guy/girl in my statistics class single? is he/she interested in dating right now? is he/she smart? does he/she like sports? does he/she like to read? what are his/her favorite movies? is he/she part of a fraternity/sorority? who does he/she hang out with? where does he/she live? all of these questions can easily be answered, no longer by a "hello", "hi", or "what's your name", but by something a lot cooler and a lot less awkward. by a single mouse click.  a friend request.  

now that you are facebook friends, what happens when you finally talk to one another? you already know all the fun facts from the facebook page - what's your major, where do you live, what do you like to do?
...............
you even know where they are from, where they live, what high school they went to, where they've been, what their past is like, who they took to prom, what they wore to prom, if they went on vacation, and sometimes (if you're lucky), you may even know what they are thinking, feeling, or doing at that very moment.

THAT is very unnerving to me.  facebook has taken the entire social art of getting to SLOWY know someone into a 5-10 minute process.  (as if we didn't already move fast enough in college).  Since we already know whether we'd like someone or not just from scanning his or her facebook page, there is no reason why you shouldn't refrain from "poking" them, AKA "let's have sex later".

what's left to talk about? what's left to do? we can just pretend we're interested, ask questions, and act surprised by the answers. but that's no fun. you probably already know the name of my dog anyway.  or..do i casually bring up "my" favorite author at a party because i know he's interested in the same author? talk about a good movie because he's seen it too?  facebook has revolutionized the social experience.

ok, i know. not EVERYONE is a facebook stalker. we all have things to do and we all don't have the luxury of sitting around for (what could be) hours on end researching those in our lecture center classes, but.. the option is there.  facebook gives everyone the opportunity to get to know everyone.
is this what it's going to come down to? a lot less conversation, and a lot more facebook?


i think the scariest question is: what has facebook done to us? we don't know.
the phenomenon is not even close to being finished.

humanity

i dont know how i feel about this but im just feeling creative

so, i think as a "young adult" i am going through a 'quarter life crisis' (which really does exist, look it up).   i'm growing up, more confused than ever, and starting to hit that point where i realize and accept that the world is fucking nuts.  but, i am not the only one, or the first one, to feel this way.  it's something every person encounters.

it's really cool how simple human emotions kind of unite people.  everything we feel, is universal.  i'm not trying to belittle the diversity of our world, but trying to find comfort in the simple connectivities of humanity.  we should never feel alone.

1. we are all scared.  of everything.

2. we are always searching. searching for answers, searching for love, searching for comfort, searching for safety. 

3. we all get depressed.  the difference is how long you let it control your life

4. we all get lonely .. don't let it define who you are or where you'll go

5. we all have secrets. it's nothing to be ashamed of

fate

dumbest blog i've ever written but i had to write it

fate and destiny = the idea that something is meant to happen and unavoidable no matter what.

it's kind of an uncomfortable concept..that some things are out of our control and no matter what choices we make, some events still remain unavoidable.  but, i think a part of us wants to believe in it and sometimes, it even makes sense.  why are some things seemingly meant to happen?  even something as simple as a great sale at your favorite store.  a lot of times we deem fate as a positive thing, but i think, you can be destined for negative fates.

when something seems fated, maybe it does not always have to mean it's good for you.  maybe it seems fated in you were to have that bad experience and learn from it.  it's not something that needs to be held on to.. in fact, sometimes you have to let fate happen and then let it go because there is no point in holding on to negativity.

yes, moral of my cliche story.. everything happens for a reason and we're meant to learn from it.

back in action.

not my best, but it had to be done.
so i haven't been able to write as much as usual in the past few months probably because i've been having trouble "letting go" of certain situations that have been occurring in my life.  after seeing black swan, i'm inspired:
"perfection is not just about control. it's also about letting go."


i have not been able to write because my mind is... cluttered.  writing, art in general, is not about control (granting..writing has some rules).  it's a release of emotions and things that cannot be expressed otherwise.  we cannot control our feelings.  if they are getting "the best of us," so to speak, we have to let go of the reasons.  let go of everything that causes us to be crazed.  release it in some way.  my problem has been that i was not releasing .. not letting go.  so this is me.. letting it go.

eventually i'll write a better blog on this topic.. maybe


listening to "roll with the punches" by bag of toys.