to wish, need, crave, demand, or desire

it's late, i should be sleeping, let's write a blog that has no direction ...

(*Sex and the City fans*) I'm currently reading The Carrie Diaries by Candace Bushnell.  It's the diary of Carrie Bradshaw's senior year in high school (it's a great beach-read and would probably make a great movie), but she mentioned something like 'how far would you go to get what you want?'  Naturally, I thought about it and thought good blog topic ...

First, i typed 'want' into my itunes library and songs like "boom, boom, i want you in my room" and "i don't want to miss a thing" or "i want to hold your hand" and "you can't always get what you want" or "if it's lovin' that you want" all came up.  Then, i typed "want" into dictionary.com and urbandictionary.com and, basically, the same definition cam up on both websites: to feel a need or a desire for; to wish, need, crave, demand, or desire.

We know that feeling we get when we know we want something.  I'm not talking about that feeling when we don't know what we want, I'm talking about that feeling when we absolutely know what we want.  It could be a new outfit, a longing to go somewhere, a longing to be with a person, a craving to do something, or just a desire for a successful life.  We know we want it.  We know what we want to do.  Sometimes, we don't know why, but we want anyway.

I know what I want, even though it really really doesn't seem like it ... ever because i get distracted easily, but that's another story.  But, how fast or far will you actually go to get what you want?  What happens when our desires are suppressed (other than sexual frustration)?  I mean, sometimes desires just fizz away like flat soda that's been opened a little.  Sometimes, we get this quick, fast, hard desire and then it dies within a week.  But, what about those times when days or weeks pass and you're still thinking about it?  That dress you can't stop thinking about?  Or that special someone that just won't escape your mind?

I don't know about you, but after weeks have passed, I just can't resist anymore.  I have to give in to that dress.  And well, that special someone... I don't take risks that much in that area, but it usually turns out disastrous.  I don't know how far or fast you go to get what you want, but that feeling when you finally give in, is like lifting a piano off of your back.  When you get what you want (or at least to attempt in getting it) you gain a little bit of happiness.  Sometimes the happiness is just a 60 minute satisfaction, a week's pleasure, or maybe even a lifetime of happiness.

I guess it's a matter of aggressiveness or settlement.  How badly do you care to be happy?  Would you want to just settle for "eh, whatever, no big deal" or be aggressive and say "i'm going to get that"?  Some people will do a little and let fate work it out and hopefully it works, while others are go-getters and go after what they want.

That's a little psychological, but it depends on the person to decide how far and fast they'd go.  What I think matters most in the end is knowing how much it's worth.

currently appreciating: "The Moment I Said It" by Imogen Heap

Home to me is reality and all I need is something real, I feel home

i'm slacking on the blogs, but it's been a crazy week.  i basically had to move my entire life 3.5 hours to home.  it's rough.  i figure, while home might as well write a blog about being home.

kristen and i were going for our usual walk around the golf course.  if dyker heights (my neighborhood) is famous for anything, it's for it's golf course and it's christmas lights.  on our walks, we'll talk about anything, anyone, and everything.  lately, it's been exchanging our college experiences, our frustration with people, and an unspoken love for brooklyn and nyc.

conclusion: everyone outside of nyc is crazy and brooklyn is really big.  yeah, brooklyn's huge and most people have this misconception that it's either all italian or all black.  false.  it's actually a combination of everything and us italians are becoming minorities.  but, as far as we know, our little neighborhood is still very much italian (and chinese).

first, we have my block.  we're tight.  houses are attached, no driveways.  a lot of us are usually outside, especially this time of year and especially when mr. softee strolls down the block.  whenever someone's cooking sauce, the whole block smells it and it smells awesomeeee.  yeah, that's right - sauce.  what else would be be cooking?

up the block, is a supermarket, some pizzarias, nail salons and b&a pork store that has the best best cold-cuts and rice balls.  walking on the avenue, you'll hear the "hey, how ya doin."  we live the typical brooklyn-italian movie scenes.  not to mention my childhood friends who eat, breathe, and live brooklyn humor.

someone's always around, hangin out on someone's porch.  oh yeah, we all have stoops.  it's perfect to fit massive amounts of people in front of your house and especially helpful at blockparties.  during the summer, you can find a block party every saturday or sunday.  it's actually almost block party season!

there are so many kids in dyker and you can usually find all of them piled into dunkin donuts until the cops kick them out.  it's a right of passage.  every kid has spent some amount of weekends in dunkin donuts if you've lived in dyker heights.  in fact, i still do sometimes, but don't tell anyone.

death?

recently, my religion professor inspired me to think and write about this topic and with finals coming up, of course i'm going to blog and procrastinate.  warning* this is obviously morbid so sorry if i scare you or make you uncomfortable


there are a lot of sayings about death us young people like to say "life's a slow death, no one makes it out alive anyway" or, my personal favorite, "live fast, die pretty."  we're young, so we can say these things but, for older people, these are uncomfortable things to think about.  we've all thought about death and have had death affect us one way or another.  it's always around us. 


my religion professor, joan earley (who, if you appreciate brilliant teachers, i highly suggest u take her class if you go to suny albany), mentioned being afraid to die.  most of us are.  death is terrifying.  it's something we all know well, but actually know nothing about.  


it seems so childish to ask, but what happens when we die? we have no idea other than those who experience near-death experiences but, even then, there's a host of scientific theories about what happens in those times.


this is when religion and faith comes in.  i'm not scared to die.  i'm not scared of what's going to happen to me.  i believe that something wonderful will happen at death, but what i am scared of is time.  


i'm scared of not having enough time to do what i need to do.  what if i don't leave a mark on the world? the truth is terrifying - trillions of people have passed through this world and how many have gone unremembered?  out of those trillions, how many do we actually remember?  how many important people are actually written about?  not many.  what about all those other people that have lived?  they might've lived a good live, a horrible life, or an average life.  we'll never know and for most of us, we fall in that category.  we affect the lives of our family and friends, maybe our neighborhoods, but to affect the world?  to alternate history? that takes a lot of talent.  we leave that to the few.


i probably made you feel like crap but that's the reality of it.  we can't live in fear of death.  you kind of just have to live.  okay, yeah, it's scary not knowing what will happen because everything we know, everything that is available to our 5 senses, cannot explain what happens.  it's based on faith and you can believe whatever you want to make it a lot easier, but you should at least believe in something.