to wish, need, crave, demand, or desire

it's late, i should be sleeping, let's write a blog that has no direction ...

(*Sex and the City fans*) I'm currently reading The Carrie Diaries by Candace Bushnell.  It's the diary of Carrie Bradshaw's senior year in high school (it's a great beach-read and would probably make a great movie), but she mentioned something like 'how far would you go to get what you want?'  Naturally, I thought about it and thought good blog topic ...

First, i typed 'want' into my itunes library and songs like "boom, boom, i want you in my room" and "i don't want to miss a thing" or "i want to hold your hand" and "you can't always get what you want" or "if it's lovin' that you want" all came up.  Then, i typed "want" into dictionary.com and urbandictionary.com and, basically, the same definition cam up on both websites: to feel a need or a desire for; to wish, need, crave, demand, or desire.

We know that feeling we get when we know we want something.  I'm not talking about that feeling when we don't know what we want, I'm talking about that feeling when we absolutely know what we want.  It could be a new outfit, a longing to go somewhere, a longing to be with a person, a craving to do something, or just a desire for a successful life.  We know we want it.  We know what we want to do.  Sometimes, we don't know why, but we want anyway.

I know what I want, even though it really really doesn't seem like it ... ever because i get distracted easily, but that's another story.  But, how fast or far will you actually go to get what you want?  What happens when our desires are suppressed (other than sexual frustration)?  I mean, sometimes desires just fizz away like flat soda that's been opened a little.  Sometimes, we get this quick, fast, hard desire and then it dies within a week.  But, what about those times when days or weeks pass and you're still thinking about it?  That dress you can't stop thinking about?  Or that special someone that just won't escape your mind?

I don't know about you, but after weeks have passed, I just can't resist anymore.  I have to give in to that dress.  And well, that special someone... I don't take risks that much in that area, but it usually turns out disastrous.  I don't know how far or fast you go to get what you want, but that feeling when you finally give in, is like lifting a piano off of your back.  When you get what you want (or at least to attempt in getting it) you gain a little bit of happiness.  Sometimes the happiness is just a 60 minute satisfaction, a week's pleasure, or maybe even a lifetime of happiness.

I guess it's a matter of aggressiveness or settlement.  How badly do you care to be happy?  Would you want to just settle for "eh, whatever, no big deal" or be aggressive and say "i'm going to get that"?  Some people will do a little and let fate work it out and hopefully it works, while others are go-getters and go after what they want.

That's a little psychological, but it depends on the person to decide how far and fast they'd go.  What I think matters most in the end is knowing how much it's worth.

currently appreciating: "The Moment I Said It" by Imogen Heap

Home to me is reality and all I need is something real, I feel home

i'm slacking on the blogs, but it's been a crazy week.  i basically had to move my entire life 3.5 hours to home.  it's rough.  i figure, while home might as well write a blog about being home.

kristen and i were going for our usual walk around the golf course.  if dyker heights (my neighborhood) is famous for anything, it's for it's golf course and it's christmas lights.  on our walks, we'll talk about anything, anyone, and everything.  lately, it's been exchanging our college experiences, our frustration with people, and an unspoken love for brooklyn and nyc.

conclusion: everyone outside of nyc is crazy and brooklyn is really big.  yeah, brooklyn's huge and most people have this misconception that it's either all italian or all black.  false.  it's actually a combination of everything and us italians are becoming minorities.  but, as far as we know, our little neighborhood is still very much italian (and chinese).

first, we have my block.  we're tight.  houses are attached, no driveways.  a lot of us are usually outside, especially this time of year and especially when mr. softee strolls down the block.  whenever someone's cooking sauce, the whole block smells it and it smells awesomeeee.  yeah, that's right - sauce.  what else would be be cooking?

up the block, is a supermarket, some pizzarias, nail salons and b&a pork store that has the best best cold-cuts and rice balls.  walking on the avenue, you'll hear the "hey, how ya doin."  we live the typical brooklyn-italian movie scenes.  not to mention my childhood friends who eat, breathe, and live brooklyn humor.

someone's always around, hangin out on someone's porch.  oh yeah, we all have stoops.  it's perfect to fit massive amounts of people in front of your house and especially helpful at blockparties.  during the summer, you can find a block party every saturday or sunday.  it's actually almost block party season!

there are so many kids in dyker and you can usually find all of them piled into dunkin donuts until the cops kick them out.  it's a right of passage.  every kid has spent some amount of weekends in dunkin donuts if you've lived in dyker heights.  in fact, i still do sometimes, but don't tell anyone.

death?

recently, my religion professor inspired me to think and write about this topic and with finals coming up, of course i'm going to blog and procrastinate.  warning* this is obviously morbid so sorry if i scare you or make you uncomfortable


there are a lot of sayings about death us young people like to say "life's a slow death, no one makes it out alive anyway" or, my personal favorite, "live fast, die pretty."  we're young, so we can say these things but, for older people, these are uncomfortable things to think about.  we've all thought about death and have had death affect us one way or another.  it's always around us. 


my religion professor, joan earley (who, if you appreciate brilliant teachers, i highly suggest u take her class if you go to suny albany), mentioned being afraid to die.  most of us are.  death is terrifying.  it's something we all know well, but actually know nothing about.  


it seems so childish to ask, but what happens when we die? we have no idea other than those who experience near-death experiences but, even then, there's a host of scientific theories about what happens in those times.


this is when religion and faith comes in.  i'm not scared to die.  i'm not scared of what's going to happen to me.  i believe that something wonderful will happen at death, but what i am scared of is time.  


i'm scared of not having enough time to do what i need to do.  what if i don't leave a mark on the world? the truth is terrifying - trillions of people have passed through this world and how many have gone unremembered?  out of those trillions, how many do we actually remember?  how many important people are actually written about?  not many.  what about all those other people that have lived?  they might've lived a good live, a horrible life, or an average life.  we'll never know and for most of us, we fall in that category.  we affect the lives of our family and friends, maybe our neighborhoods, but to affect the world?  to alternate history? that takes a lot of talent.  we leave that to the few.


i probably made you feel like crap but that's the reality of it.  we can't live in fear of death.  you kind of just have to live.  okay, yeah, it's scary not knowing what will happen because everything we know, everything that is available to our 5 senses, cannot explain what happens.  it's based on faith and you can believe whatever you want to make it a lot easier, but you should at least believe in something.

last year's wishes, are this year's apologies

so, i've been thinking about this blog for a very long time now.. probably all of 2nd semester.  i've been thinking about college and why we're here and what i've learned.  most first year college students can probably agree with my blog.  if you aren't a college student, hopefully you'll learn a lesson or two or have a better understanding.  


Tom Petty quoted:

“You have four years to be irresponsible here. Relax. Work is for people with jobs. You'll never remember class time, but you'll remember time you wasted hanging out with your friends. So, stay out late. Go out on a Tuesday with your friends when you have a paper due Wednesday. Spend money you don't have. Drink 'til sunrise. The work never ends, but college does...”

This couldn't be more true.  This year, i've taken 10 courses.  I've read a lot of books and text books, including classical Greek plays, sociology, political science, and religion text books, as well as novels, graphic novels, and screenplays.  It's a shame, but do I really remember half of what I actually read?  No. Do i remember most of what the professors spoke about in lectures?  Not really.  Do I remember anything I studied, if I studied?  Not at all.  But, I can still leave freshman saying I learned a lot about myself, people, and living.  

This is only natural.  Within 24 hours one late August afternoon, our world turned completely upside down.  We are thrown into this community without knowing anything or anyone.  Without our friends and family who know us best.  Our completely stable life leaving senior year in high school didn't even matter anymore because now, it's completely unstable.  We're told to wake up on our own, make our own class schedules, wash our own clothes, and make our own beds.  I don't know about anyone else, but before college, I never woke up on my own for school, never made my own schedule, never washed my own clothes, and rarely made my bed.  And, a personal problem: I'm infamous for forgetting or losing my keys and now, I had to have them with me at all times.

So what did I actually learn after this roller-coaster year?

1. not to care.  You probably hear this a lot, but it's true.  I learned to care a little bit less about what people think about me.  Who cares?  Let them think about you.  Say your opinions (in a respectable manner, of course).  Saying your opinions may better the world a little bit at a time.  Who cares if someone disagrees with you?  Let them. Who cares what that person did over the weekend.  Whatever.  It doesn't matter.  It doesn't affect how you live your life... and if it does, I'm sorry, you have problems.  No one's perfect.   WHO CARES.

2. care.  I know I just said not to care, but there are still things you must care about.  You must care about your morals.  You must care about your self-respect.  You must care about your passions.  You must care about your hobbies.  You must care about your friends.  And you most definitely must care about your family, even while you are miles away.

3. be friendly.  be a friend to everyone (a REAL friend).  make tons of friends.  college is mostly about the people.  those who are meant to stay in your life will no matter what so don't be afraid to make tons of friends.

4. laugh at yourself.  i'm always laughing at myself, but this year I had to do it a little more in order to survive.  after waking up some mornings, knowing i made a fool of myself the night before, how could i not laugh at myself?  if i fall down the stairs, am i going to cry?  no.  if i fall off my uncomfortable, but necessary, lofted bed, should i cry?  no.  it's funny - laugh.  laugh at yourself, dammit.  like i said, no one's perfect, might as well enjoy the imperfections.

5. to be proud of yourself.  be proud of where you come from and where you've been.  share your experiences because it's awesome hearing about others'.  i'm extremely proud of where i come from.  i've proud of my family, my friends, my high school, my lifestyle, and my neighborhood.  

6. that i already have some of the best people in my life.  i am fascinated by the friends in my life.  the fact that they were able to keep me strong and grounded this year is fascinating.  i can call them from miles away and we'd be able to relate to each other's happiness and sadness.  i'm grateful for my family's strength this year.  it's been hard, but having frequent phone calls letting me know that they care kept me half sane.  they are fascinating people.  look around at the people in your life.

7. go out on a tuesday.  i have not gone out on a tuesday, only thursdays, but thursdays seem to be the best day.  i don't know why.  it's probably because it's a week day and all of my life i've been told to go to bed early and do homework on week days.  relax a little.  don't be so uptight.  as long as you can make it to class the next day, go out, have a good time.  everyone deserves a good time every once in a while.

8. take vitamins.  stay as healthy as possible and take vitamins before you need to take them.  everyone gets sick in college.  it has to be avoided as much as possible because it's easy to miss a lot.  always drink water, too.  it helps prevent hangovers.

9. kids are awesome.  when i say kids, i mean college students.  we're a bunch of kids living together, 24/7.  everyone's always full of life.  running around, playing, doing something, talking about something.  we all have these great opinions.  it's refreshing hearing the opinions and ideas of great minds.  if that doesn't sound like the time of your life, i don't know what is.  

 i'm sure there are plenty more, but some things are unexplainable.  you just take them and grow with it.

i wanted to make a list of 10 things or more, but i couldn't think of anymore.  if anyone would like to add, tell me =D

vacation of a lifetime

i've been really meaning to write this blog, but i could never get in the mood and i wanted this blog to be as perfect as possible because it was such a wonderful experience.  my vacation, summer 2009, around the mediterranean - from barcelona, spain to ephesus, turkey - stole my heart and it hasn't been returned.


that summer, was an especially exciting one because i had just graduated high school so i was ready to take on anything, but i didn't exactly have half the world in mind ...


the cruise ship left from barcelona, spain.  here, people from all over the WORLD flew.  from countries like colombia, brazil, dubai, ireland, england, scotland, canada, the bahamas, and around the united states.  it was overwhelming (in a good way).  the thought takes my breath away.


about being submerged in 5 countries.  can you say culture shocked?  every day, i was in a completely new country.  spain, france (i was sick), italy, greece, turkey and back again!  it was the ideal life.  we'd wake up at 8 and enter a country at 9:30.  for the entire afternoon, we were just in another country, seeing historical sites and eating the ethnic food.  purely experiencing la bella vita.  after returning, we'd be exhausted.  what a perfect excuse for a siesta.  after the siesta and after dinner, i was back to exploring what other countries i could find on the ship.  it was the perfect schedule.  


it's hard for me to explain the experiences i had in every country.  it all happened so fast and, as you can imagine, they were all different.  turkey being the most different.  completely off the radar from what i've been used to.  the people, the streets, and food (which was actually really good).  the most beautiful city, for me, was capri, italy.  capri is classy.  off the charts classy.  italy will always have my heart but greece was definitely my favorite country.  something about it was so exciting...maybe it was because i was finally first hand experiencing what my greek friends have always showed me.  


my favorite aspect of the trip was the people on the ship.  not only was i submerged in countries like spain, france, italy, greece, and turkey, but also countries in south america, the Caribbean, and great britain.  just by talking to them, we shared our experiences from our own country and through conversation, i was transported to south america.  i also learned a lot from the other americans.  they were from LA, montana, chicago, boston, florida, new jersey, and even long island.  they were great people, some of the most interesting around.  the kind that are going to change things.


my favorite night: 'latin fiesta' night.  how could i resist dancing? not just any kind of dancing, but actually dancing merengue with those who invented it themselves - south americans.  naturally, the boys moved their hips better than me.  i can't complain.  i can't complain about them singing the spanish shakira lyrics in my ear while we danced either.  what?  that night pretty much solidified my desire to visit the south american countries.


i don't know how to rate the vacation without underrating it.  a lifetime experience that i can't be grateful enough for.  it's not every day i can visit florence, the birthplace of the renaissance, or climb the mountains of santorini, or shop on the streets of turkey.  
i hope all of my friends and family can one day visit all of these countries and have the same experiences i did because it is breathtaking. 


it's hard for me to write this without saying too much or too little.  i want to share this amazing experience with whoever wants to read it but i can't give you every detail without being bored.  i'm super excited for summer and this vacation is always on my mind, so i had to put this to writing.  

would you rather be feared or loved?

so it's been a while since i've written a blog.  i always think of things to write about and then i just don't write them, so if this blog seems BS, it's because i'm just writing to write.  

i don't know when i came up with an answer to this thought: would you rather be feared or loved?  This is an old question.  It's been around for ages.  Since the beginning of time.  Since the beginning of power.  

If you know me well enough at all, you'd know that I'd rather be loved.  Simply because love is powerful.  Everyone has loved someone: a parent, a sibling, a cousin, a friend, a lover, or even a pet.  We know how happy it makes us.  If you have truly loved that person, you know how it feels to see him or her happy or sad.  That you feel their happiness and pain.  And when they are in pain, you'd walk to the end of the world to make it go away.  

It is easy to help someone you love.  You want to do things for them.  You want to make their lives better.  You respect and accept every part of that person.  Love is THAT powerful.

I would not want to be feared because that would just be uncomfortable for a lot of people.  According to dictionary.com, fear is defined as a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.  If you ask me, only a coward would want to be feared.

Everyone has feared something or someone. You can't be yourself when in fear.  You're always watching your back, making sure you do or say the right thing.  I wouldn't want another person to feel that way around me.  Granted, fear also brings respect, but not all the time.  Not everyone is fearful, someone will defy you one day ...

So, why can't we conquer the world with love?

Currently appreciating: Heartbreak Warfare by John Mayer

being 19

so i haven't blogged in a very long because i've been away, flying all over the place.  but, here's a blog about being the wonderful age of 19

recently, if i'd ask my parents permission for something, they'd say "what are you asking me for?" or i'd get the: 'you're old enough to make your own decisions now.' and i realized, i am.  i am my own person at this point.  i'm 19. but, it's kind of an odd age.  you're 1 year older than 18 so you're kind of over the whole "i'm legal" thing, but you're 2 years younger than 21 so you can't drink or even enter some clubs.  you're old enough, but not old enough.  there's a lot we still don't know and it's scary.  what's even scarier is that we don't know what we don't know. it's like an "anything-goes" age.

19 is like a transition age.  we are becoming our own person.  molding into the person we've been growing up to be.  our morals and opinions, or lack there of, are being cemented.  it's time to make our own decisions and make our own mistakes.  saying yes or no to what YOU want, not what anyone else wants or not what your family wants.  it's a time to say yes or no to what YOU want.

we're people now.  we aren't being regulated by our schools or by our parents.  our parents came to be adults the same way as we are now.  you don't just magically become a responsible adult, you have to have experiences.  and in order to learn from your experiences, you need to make your own decisions.  more than half the time, they will be mistakes, but that's what makes life interesting.

with all of that said, i LOVE being 19 years young.