So, here I am

Well, hello again, blogging world.  

After a very long time and a number of harassments later, my busy schedule and I have decided to blog again.

As of October 4 4:29 PM, I'm supposed to be doing a hundred other things, like maybe applying to graduate schools, studying, picking up my paycheck, or eating, but I can't say I would be happier doing anything else but writing right now. 

There is so much I can write, for many a series of unfortunate and very fortunate events has been thrusted upon me since I started this blog almost 3 years ago.  Definitely not the prettiest of 3 years, but I can certainly say it has been a journey and growing period, and necessary to the development of ... me!  

I don't think it's important to list the series of unfortunate events, but what I will say is it's been a series of hard disappointments ... and not just coming to terms with the reality of things and certain people, but actually accepting them.  Talk about growing up.

But, among the disappointments and acceptance, I'd been having adventures of all kinds all around the world.  Since 2009, I've been able to plant my feet on the ancient, colorful, beautiful lands of 10 different countries on 3 continents.  Still irking to plant my feet on Africa and Asia.  

Of course I've learned a few things along the way, in my classes, in my travels, and at home, but there have been 4 things that I've become absolutely sure of:

1. I am extremely blessed to have everything that I have in my life

2. Those of my real family and real friends are of the most important and precious people in the whole world

3. There is absolutely no place like home

4. More recently, my prince charming had been waiting for me in New Jersey all along. Go figure!

So, here I am, 21 years old, senior year at college, continuing to learn and accept, and trying to remain happy, carefree, and calm through the growing pains and rainy weather.  But, I think I'm doing a pretty good job :)

No shoes? No worries!

Disclaimer: Australian lingo may be a bit confusing and overwhelming.

So, I’m about 2 cups of goon in and I’ve come to the full realization that this life is pretty chill.  I’ve mentioned in my other blog what goon is, but I’ll mention it again - goon is boxed wine.  It’s about $9 for 4 liters of goon.  Yeah, duh, that sounds normal, but this is what they drink here because a 24 pack of beer is a solid $35-$40.  Yeah… so we’ll suffer through some goon, instead of blowing money on beer.  Coming from a person who enjoys beer, this is borderline torture.  Do you know what it’s like to skull goon?  (Do you know what it’s like to chug boxed wine)?  It’s disgusting.

Continuing on the idea of casually skulling goon… life’s pretty crisp.  Every interaction continues to convince me that the typical Australian lifestyle is real.  Over the weekend, as I stopped by a friend’s apartment, he showed us his very valuable Ugg minis.  Yes, I said HE.  A male friend of mine very proudly sported his male Ugg minis.  Us Americans questioned this.  Again, he proudly informed us of the Australian way: we don’t care about style here, we just wear whatever is comfortable; we don’t care; if Uggs are warm, who cares.

That’s the thing here - they don’t care.  Did I mention most people don’t wear shoes?  They go shoeless because, it’s more comfortable I guess.  Who wants to wear closed shoes on a humid day of 90 degrees?  Even flip flops are a bit more comfortable when your feet are sweaty… especially on the changing, hilly terrain.  Even in class people don’t wear shoes… they have to be reminded.   It’s kind of contagious… I find myself not wanting to wear shoes.  And hey, if I can’t find shoes go match my outfit, I may just go shoeless. 

            Not wearing shoes may not be hygienic, but I guess who cares?!  That’s the Australian way of life.  They don’t care about anything other than comfort.  No shoes? No worries!  If you’re comfortable,  what else matters?  But seriously… what else matters other than being comfortable?  How many times have uncomfortable heals or shoes ruined your night with pain and blisters?  Too many times.  Here, beauty is not pain, beauty is whatever is naturally comfortable.  Why don’t we reduce the amount of pain we have to endure in the US? … because we’re not Australian, I guess.

Currumbin Wildlife Sanctuary (aka the zoo)

the zoo in australia is pretty different from an american zoo.  the australian zoo inhabits animals of the country.  whereas the bronx zoo inhabits lions, but, believe it or not, there are no free lance lions in the usa.

this sanctuary included tons of kangaroos, koalas, and crocodiles.  we passed through an entire section of over 100 kangaroos just lounging under the trees.  some of them were small, some of them were huge and muscular... at least 6 feet tall when they stood up.  some female kangaroos even had their babies in their pouches! i also got to see a few kangaroos hop! they moved too fast for me to get a recording.
there were too many koala sections for me to count, but it seemed around every other corner was a koala ground. one koala was trying to climb up the wall to escape.  all i wanted to do was pick it up and take it home with me! do you think stealing something that should be part of its natural land is a criminal offense?

we also walked by one of the sanctuary workers with a dingo on a leash! it was so cute!! yes, i know they have the ability to bite my hand off, let alone kill a child, but i couldn't help thinking i wanted to play with it.  it looked like a combination of a dog and a wolf/fox.  the dingo was beautiful.  we were able to pet  its back, not close to it's face, while it was on its leash, but it seemed to be more interested in getting lunch.  there was a gated area of dingos and they looked like they were having so much fun running around.

there were also a bunch of different kinds of colorful birds.  i think birds are beautiful but there are so many different types i don't know any better.  we went to a bird show and an eagle flew right over my head and it's wing actually hit my head.  really cool.

the greenery of the sanctuary alone was a zoo.  there were so many colorful flowers and plants. and really tall tropical trees including palm trees.  although the entire park was shaded, it was pretty brutal to walk through the humidity.  

lizards just live everywhere (even on my campus) in australia.  you can hear them rustling in the grass and they often pop out in the middle of the sidewalk when you least expect it.  i almost stepped on one.  gross!  

overall, the sanctuary has been my favorite part of my week here.  animals scare me, especially snakes of any kind, but i don't mind when they are behind a glass. plus, now i got a close look of all of the snakes i have to avoid while walking to class, like the red bellied ones =X. 

i'll keep you posted on more of my campus animal sightings... we have a koala habitat on campus so i'll look out for those... and the snakes and spiders

byron bay

there isn't much i can say about byron bay because while we were there for a few hours, we only sat on the beach.. which i definitely do not mind.  the sun is brutal.  i had to apply sunscreen every 40 minutes even though im fairly dark.  those who did not, suffered from pretty intense burns.  what makes it worse is that us americans are coming from the depths of winter with no base tan.  but you can be sure everyone has a base tan now.   the currents were unbelievably strong.  i could barely walk in the shallow waters.  the waves were crazy.  i tried to have as much fun as i could, but i was mostly fighting for my life. 

it was typical of a non american beach.. men were in speedos and women were topless.  we ended up playing beach volleyball with these 2 guys and it was a lot of fun when the sand wasn't burning out feet off and the sun wasnt baking our backs.  it ended up being a pretty big game and i went to hit the ball, but the ball hit me a few times.  good laughs.

i don't really need to explain how beautiful the beach actually was.  crystal clear blue water and white sand that made a strange noise when you walked on it.  

we didn't really go into the town, but we passed through it on the bus and it looked touristy but it still looked very cute.  people didn't have shoes on, naturally.  

no shoes, no worries seems to be the australian motto

too easy, mates

So there is a lot I could write about but I figure I’d start with the beginning. 

I landed in Australia safe and sound.  Yeah, the flights were long but I slept the whole time.  On my way to Los Angeles, I woke up just in time to see the plane fly over a part of the Grand Canyon.  It instantly got me excited.  My flight from Sydeny to Brisbane was delayed so I was late to get picked up in Brisbane by my uni (short for university, what they call college here).  When I finally got on the bus, the bus went into applaud, that the girl from Brooklyn made it alive.

We got to campus and got our housing assignments.  The dorms are pretty much apartments – a kitchen, living area, 2 bathrooms, and 6 bedrooms.  Housing here is also pretty interesting.  It’s co-ed and international so I live with 3 guys and 2 other girls.  Also, you can’t choose your housing, even the domestic students.  So every year, students live with different people.  Pretty cool.  Oh, and if you know me at all, you know having a kitchen where I need to cook for myself is an experience in itself.  You should see our freezer for our frozen food collection.

My dorm area is located on top of a huge hill so I can see the top of my campus.  It takes about 15 minutes to walk down to the classrooms and it’s pretty brutal.  I don’t think I will ever get used to the hill.  I’ll probably just camp out in the library (or the Uni Bar) most of the time so I don’t have to walk up and down this hill.  Did I mention there is a campus bar?

view from the pool

those white buildings are my campus. that's how far it is from the top of the hill

the pool

Campus is beautiful.  Basically feels like a tropical forest.  I saw a koala in a tree a few days ago and there are a lot of bugs and snakes.  The birds also sound like monkeys here.  It’s always noisy.  I’m also currently sitting by the outdoor pool 2 minutes from my room.  It’s a pretty sweet life.  Oh, and that Uni bar …

The students here are really friendly.  Since its “orientation week” everyone has just been drunk every day.  Do you know what it sounds like when a bunch of Australian dudes are screaming at each other during drinking games?  It’s pretty awesome. 

The lingo here is really different, but really cool.  The garbage can is called a rubbish bin and getting drunk is called getting loose.  It’s really funny when they say it in an Australian accent.

Things are also pretty expensive here.  $10 for TWO chicken breasts!  Not that I know what to do with a chicken breast anyway.  Alcohol is so expensive here.  For a 24 pack of beer, it is $35; for a bottle of Jack, $60.  So what do these infamously drunk Australians do? DRINK GOON!! Goon is boxed wine.  You gotta do what you gotta do right?  If you have to drink some goon, you gotta drink some goon.

control

this is my own little therapy. i hope anyone can relate, but i'm sure they can. and it may be a little weak because i havent written in a while.  this is dedicated to my ladies in cordoba, argentina :)

over the course of the past year, i had my share of ups and downs.. but, mostly downs.  it was a constant struggle, frustration, and fight to accept things i did not want to accept about myself, but also about others that are very close to me.  everything and everyone i believed in that (i thought) had always stood beside me, were upside down.  my world was distorted and detached, like a scene out of alice in wonderland.  the room flipped and everyone was on the ceiling above me, hundreds of feet away, and i was alone.  at any moment, those people and things on the ceiling, could have fallen and crushed me.  i guess you can call this "growing up".  did i like it? absolutely not..especially someone like me who has diagnosed herself with "peter-pan syndrome".

most of this felt out of my control. the room was not only upside down, but spinning uncontrollably.  but i learned a valuable lesson: nothing is within our control.  we do not control anyone or anything.  anyone or anything can be taken away from us at any moment.  the situations we are surrounded by daily are out of our control.  the weather, our family, our friends, our possessions, our professors, and our feelings (to a point) are uncontrollable.  the only thing we can control is ourselves.  control of the self is the most important skill someone can learn.  you cannot control a situation, but you can control your reactions to it.  if you can respond to a situation in a positive way, you have control of yourself; therefore, no one has control of you.

with this, comes control of the mind.  to control how you react, you need to have control of your mind.  you need to direct your thoughts in a positive direction, otherwise, (and i can testify) your thoughts can, and they will, eat you alive.  you need to be independent.  with control and acceptance, you can be happy.  control, acceptance, and happiness can only come from 1 place .. yourself.  if you lose it, your room will spin out of control.  i hope for every person out there that has read this, that your room, never spins out of control so much that you crash.

listening to 'explosions in the sky'

RIP fountain day?

i do recognize that i sound a little dramatic, but this is the only thing that's occupying me right now. it's not the end of the world.

earlier today, i was writing a blog about the top 10 reasons why i love SUNY albany in hopes of boosting our morale after the school-wide disappointment of the events of kegs and eggs weekend.  well, ironically, while i was writing this blog, i got an email and extensive facebook status updates about the cancellation of fountain day.  there have been rumors since last weekend that fountain day was questionable, but we were all ensured that the president would not cancel a school tradition for the actions of 40/+16,000 students.  right?   wrong.  fountain day 2011 has been cancelled.

1. after years of catholic schooling and consistently having traditional, fun events threatened by misbehavior, i can tell you, threats do not work.  we will still act the way we are used to acting (in this scenario, getting drunk).

2. like i said, it is a tradition. fountain day unites the school.  the fountain is the center of our university, literally and figuratively.  it's even on our SUNY ID cards.  it is very important for a school to provide us with events that we can look forward to and hold pride in.  something that identifies us.  after the school-wide disappointment and shame after kegs and eggs 2011, we desperately need a fun event to unite us again.  to pick our heads up and say "this is my school, i love it here. look at this great event"

3. because this event is taken away, i am not only disgusted with the .2% of students here, but now also with the administration for doubting us.  it's insulting.  i understand kegs and eggs was representative of the school, but the shame enough is to punish us. anyone with a sense of pride should of been embarrassed by the president's email sent last week ridiculing our behavior. individuals should be penalized. penalizing an entire university will have it's repercussions for the university and for us.  what happens when you piss off 18,000 students between 18 and 22 years old?

4. a school's best publicity is from its students, not by fox news, not by princeton review, or youtube.  in order to be best publicized, the student body must remain happy.  the "suspension" of fountain day has angered and annoyed the student body, whereas before this, any student was willing to stand up for the school after kegs and eggs.  now that the students are angry, it is very hard to find reason to stand up for the school.

5. "suspending" fountain day is a symbol.  our pride has been suspended.  (personally, i think the major program cuts is just as much as bad as this, but obviously we care more about having fun than OUR education).  but, how long will our pride be suspended? what will it take to restore it?  a downtown clean-up? degrading emails? facebook events?  fountain day?  tosh.0?!

i beg the president to reconsider his decision. i think this decision has far more repercussions that any of us may be expecting.

(saint) valentine's day

as a special request, here is my valentines day blog.  i'm trying to give the holiday the most positive outlook i can and i don't want to do latin homework as usual....

february 14, "valentine's day" - a day all single ladies (and boyfriends) dread.  so much pressure is put on this day to love, show affection, go on the perfect date, give chocolate, flowers, teddy bears, blah blah blah.  if you're single, you are left with candy and chocolates from your mom.  if you are in a relationship, you have to set aside all of your plans to do anything to spend time with your lover.  but whyyyy? what is this valentines day? it wasn't just made my hallmark, it actually has (some) history.

i researched valentines day on wikipedia (frankly, because i don't think this day is important enough for extensive research).  it was originally called "st. valentine's day".  any catholic knows that practically every day of the year has a saint dedicated to it.  

there are three known christian martyrs named valentine and all, coincidentally, were martyred on february 14.  sometimes i question the history of the catholic church... ANYWAY.  there are a bunch of legends about the st. valentines and their association with valentine's day.  one of the legends, in short, goes like this:

st valentine was living under the roman empire around the 3rd centuary AD when emperor claudius II was ruler.  the emperor decided that all single, young men made better soldiers than those with families and children because they were emotionally attached and therefore "weaker men".  Emperor Claudius banned marriage so they were forced into service.  Valentine, a priest, disagreed with Emperor Claudius and defied him by performing secret marriages for young lovers.  Claudius II eventually finds out and sentences Valentine to death.  St. Valentine now has a day dedicated to him, February 14 (the anniversary of his death/burial).  poor st. valentine, he had no idea what he was getting himself into.  

this story seems to have little to do with chocolate and flowers and teddy bears, but more to do with standing up for autonomy and young love.  

so, this is my st. valentine attempt at standing up for young love and the idea of valentine's day (sorry all my single ladies).

i've spent many years being angry and bitter at valentine's day, but i realized, i get more satisfaction completely ignoring the day and idea all together.  no one likes being ignored, especially not the hallmark company.  plus, i woke up with an epiphany (mainly when i saw the heart shaped doughnuts from my mom, chocolate candy galore from my family, and the pink lights in my common room) - why do i need a "lover" to really appreciate valentines day?  why can't i just love the people around me, and especially, why can't i love myself?  there is no need for the self-loathing and bitterness all day.  i've been listening to 'teenage dream' and having my own little chocolate thanksgiving all day with my friends whom i love. what's wrong with that? if i had a lover/boyfriend/partner, i'd just be having thanksgiving with 1 other person and that's not fun.  thanksgiving is for celebrating with everyone.  so on valentine's day, we should be loving ourselves and celebrating our chocolate thanksgiving with our closest friends.  plus, red's a nice color, i like wearing red and today gives me an excuse to do so.

if this doesn't make you feel better, i can guarantee, every single person has a legitimate valentine before they die.  it seems inevitable. don't get upset, one day, all my single ladies, we will have valentines, and it'll be as perfect as you want it to be.

if you still hate it, ignore it. don't celebrate it.  but, it's hard to ignore when there are decorations everywhere? so.. there are always christmas decorations everywhere and those who don't celebrate it/hate it deal with it.  it's just another holiday.

if none of that makes you feel better.. think of it this way: today is the day for couples, but every friday and saturday is our day.. the day, night, and morning for singles ;-)

happy chocolate thanksgiving/valentines/red/whatever day.  

as for now.. all my single ladies, all my single ladies, put your hands up

a lot less conversation, a lot more facebook

my blogs were getting lame. i had to write something cool. tibs to dina for our long and deep conversations about facebook.

it's obvious that the future of our world has been revolutionized by the creation of the internet, but after watching the social network, i cannot help but believe that our generation is on to something much bigger and something much more unimaginable.

for anyone who does not know, the social network is a movie about the creation of facebook. if you do not know what facebook is, i suggest you do a few laps around your neighborhood.

the movie starts with the creator/co-creator, mark zuckerberg, dealing with an ex-girlfriend and posts an angry blog.  in a fit of drunken rage, he creates a site to "rate" harvard girls.  events rapidly unfold, leading us to what we have now, the generation changer, facebook.

mark zuckerberg's initial intention of facebook was to bring the entire social experience of college to the internet.  ya kno, like the typical, first thoughts that run through your mind when you spot someone of interest in one of your classes: is that guy/girl in my statistics class single? is he/she interested in dating right now? is he/she smart? does he/she like sports? does he/she like to read? what are his/her favorite movies? is he/she part of a fraternity/sorority? who does he/she hang out with? where does he/she live? all of these questions can easily be answered, no longer by a "hello", "hi", or "what's your name", but by something a lot cooler and a lot less awkward. by a single mouse click.  a friend request.  

now that you are facebook friends, what happens when you finally talk to one another? you already know all the fun facts from the facebook page - what's your major, where do you live, what do you like to do?
...............
you even know where they are from, where they live, what high school they went to, where they've been, what their past is like, who they took to prom, what they wore to prom, if they went on vacation, and sometimes (if you're lucky), you may even know what they are thinking, feeling, or doing at that very moment.

THAT is very unnerving to me.  facebook has taken the entire social art of getting to SLOWY know someone into a 5-10 minute process.  (as if we didn't already move fast enough in college).  Since we already know whether we'd like someone or not just from scanning his or her facebook page, there is no reason why you shouldn't refrain from "poking" them, AKA "let's have sex later".

what's left to talk about? what's left to do? we can just pretend we're interested, ask questions, and act surprised by the answers. but that's no fun. you probably already know the name of my dog anyway.  or..do i casually bring up "my" favorite author at a party because i know he's interested in the same author? talk about a good movie because he's seen it too?  facebook has revolutionized the social experience.

ok, i know. not EVERYONE is a facebook stalker. we all have things to do and we all don't have the luxury of sitting around for (what could be) hours on end researching those in our lecture center classes, but.. the option is there.  facebook gives everyone the opportunity to get to know everyone.
is this what it's going to come down to? a lot less conversation, and a lot more facebook?


i think the scariest question is: what has facebook done to us? we don't know.
the phenomenon is not even close to being finished.

humanity

i dont know how i feel about this but im just feeling creative

so, i think as a "young adult" i am going through a 'quarter life crisis' (which really does exist, look it up).   i'm growing up, more confused than ever, and starting to hit that point where i realize and accept that the world is fucking nuts.  but, i am not the only one, or the first one, to feel this way.  it's something every person encounters.

it's really cool how simple human emotions kind of unite people.  everything we feel, is universal.  i'm not trying to belittle the diversity of our world, but trying to find comfort in the simple connectivities of humanity.  we should never feel alone.

1. we are all scared.  of everything.

2. we are always searching. searching for answers, searching for love, searching for comfort, searching for safety. 

3. we all get depressed.  the difference is how long you let it control your life

4. we all get lonely .. don't let it define who you are or where you'll go

5. we all have secrets. it's nothing to be ashamed of

fate

dumbest blog i've ever written but i had to write it

fate and destiny = the idea that something is meant to happen and unavoidable no matter what.

it's kind of an uncomfortable concept..that some things are out of our control and no matter what choices we make, some events still remain unavoidable.  but, i think a part of us wants to believe in it and sometimes, it even makes sense.  why are some things seemingly meant to happen?  even something as simple as a great sale at your favorite store.  a lot of times we deem fate as a positive thing, but i think, you can be destined for negative fates.

when something seems fated, maybe it does not always have to mean it's good for you.  maybe it seems fated in you were to have that bad experience and learn from it.  it's not something that needs to be held on to.. in fact, sometimes you have to let fate happen and then let it go because there is no point in holding on to negativity.

yes, moral of my cliche story.. everything happens for a reason and we're meant to learn from it.

back in action.

not my best, but it had to be done.
so i haven't been able to write as much as usual in the past few months probably because i've been having trouble "letting go" of certain situations that have been occurring in my life.  after seeing black swan, i'm inspired:
"perfection is not just about control. it's also about letting go."


i have not been able to write because my mind is... cluttered.  writing, art in general, is not about control (granting..writing has some rules).  it's a release of emotions and things that cannot be expressed otherwise.  we cannot control our feelings.  if they are getting "the best of us," so to speak, we have to let go of the reasons.  let go of everything that causes us to be crazed.  release it in some way.  my problem has been that i was not releasing .. not letting go.  so this is me.. letting it go.

eventually i'll write a better blog on this topic.. maybe


listening to "roll with the punches" by bag of toys.

j'ai vous manque

a short blog because i'm snowed in and can actually think straight for once.  "j'ai vous manque" = i have a missing for you all.

once you open yourself to someone, and let them become a part of you, you're going to miss them when they're not around.

is this bad? it sucks missing someone so does that mean it's bad to miss someone?  does it make you less of a person to miss someone?  no.  at least, i don't think so.  it means you've created a relationship with someone.  that you can share yourself with someone else.  that you can share happiness and sadness with another person.  it helps not to be alone. to have someone experience it with you.

so when you miss someone, you miss them because they hold a part of you.  you miss a part of yourself.

angry

i'm so angry. at both of you. and you too.

gobble gobble

happy spanxgiving =D

we bleed just to know we're alive.

this week has been rough.  my blog will prove so. (and thank you philosophy class)

so about this life.  yeah, it's obviously "hard".  what "hard" entails, i really don't know.  there aren't really specifics.  i guess it's a nice way to say that everyone feels pain.  and it's also obvious that everyone struggles.  one's struggle is not harder than the other's.  everyone that struggles feels the same way - pain.  

but how necessary is this pain? what does it prove? that we're real?

i would have to believe that some struggling is necessary.  like struggling to get a good grade in school or to get a higher job position or to become better at a skill or hobby.  yes, these are all things worth while to struggle for because it builds character.  it makes you work for something.  in this case, there is a positive outcome to struggling.

but, the struggling i'm referring to is the unnecessary curve balls that life throws at you.  the uncontrollable curve balls that hit you hard.  is famine, poverty, sickness, unavoidable loneliness, and death necessary? maybe.  maybe it tries to show as how valuable life really is.  but, i feel as though the effects of these things are a waste of time.  it is hard to overcome these feats without being sad or depressed.  and, it is hard to value life when sad.  so when these "life-is-fleeting" lessons hit us, we're too sad to appreciate life.  you can do all the activities you want, but it is very hard to see all the goodness when blinded by sadness.

i don't know.  maybe i'm just sad and i don't like it.  but in order for my theory to work, we'd have to make humanity inhumane.  eliminate emotions.  eliminate all human connections. but, without emotions, what is humanity? as the goo goo dolls say, we bleed just to know we're alive. but that's it?  we just suffer to know happiness? because happiness is harder to achieve?

advice

this is just a little life lesson i've learned recently:
when in doubt, love yourself.

Day 30- Who are you?

who am i?
i'm josette rocco.   i'm a sophomore and 19 years old.  i'm from brooklyn, new york city.  i know what i want, where i want to be, and where i want to go.  i love school and education and experience.  i enjoy everything because life's too short to not enjoy.  i struggle, but so does everyone else, but one day, i know i'll move past it.

Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned?

i'm a whirlwind right now so it's hard for me to pinpoint anything about myself, but if i've learned anything it's that people are going to disappoint you.  you can't expect much from them because they don't expect much from themselves.  but so what if i demand someone be the best they can be? is that such a bad thing? is it bad to demand so much from someone else? demand that they treat you right?

Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?

last year during ualbany's girltalk concert

-pretty blissful-

i haven't changed in the past year, just grown into myself.  i'm still the same person, just completely comfortable with myself.  i've become more verbal about my feelings and opinions in the past year.  i've always been confident, but now i am confident in my beliefs and feelings.  i know what i want and i don't care what others think.  i'm not scared of much anymore.  i've learned not to rely on anyone, due to just having to be on my own at school and other personal experiences i've had to deal with.  this doesn't mean i've pushed people away because i've actually pulled them closer.

i've also been looking more at the future than dwelling on the past because even though the past has given me amazing memories, it hasn't always brought some of the best feelings..